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2003-10-16 - 7:32 p.m.

Infamity.

Lost in a Preacher comic I look at my watch and notice it hasn't moved since the Lovely Keeper asked me pointedly to tape fucking Friends and Survivor starting at 7:30. A couple of smokes and a few chapters and it's still 6:20? I look at the VCR - 8:20. Motherfucker.

Now I don't care about the shows, that's not the point. I am notorious for fucking up the recording of TV. I'm a fucking idiot when it comes to taping shit. And I knew this would all lead to a, "JEESUS CHRIST! You are a VCR retard, y'know that?"

And it would bother me BECAUSE IT WOULD BE TRUE. But not today.

So I sticks a tape in the VCR and start recording anyhow. I flip the TV over to Global and notice that the TV time says 7:25. A miraculous recovery indeed with an audience of one.

Everyone should have a victory dance.

I'm so fucking bad I should be in detention.


Spit it OUT, Snapperhead!

0 of you fuckers have been accounted for.


old shit. - newer shit.

2003-10-16 - 2:17 p.m.

Addendum to 4 Tips on Being Me.

Addendum to 4 Tips on Being Me.

After further thought I've decided to add a 5th:

5. Take some fucking pride in how you look, assholes. Seriously, if you can't slide under people's radar and pass as a real-live citizen then ferget it. You're a fucking outcast.

If, remarkably, you choose to fuck society in the gallbladder, do it with some meaning. Most "non-conformist" types are fucking clones of the Sex Pistols or Black Flag - YOU wanna be different? Pick something you're comfortable with and grow on it. Army gear? Cool. What could you do to make it cooler?

For me, it means shaving twice a week, wearing jeans and some buttoned down polyester shirts. It'd look like shit on most people - but I pull it off. I dress BELOW my employer's standard uniform because I can - they've never seen me any different. They know it's part of the fucking package because I told them from the giddyup that I was a pretty odd cat.

When your Kung Fu is that fucking tight - drop me a line. It'd be interesting to exchange notes on being a goddamned underappreciated ultra-suave role model for the youth of today.

If you truely love me you'll erect mounds of dirt into breasts of all sorts. Take a photograph of someone pissing on them and send the pornography to me. It pleases me on so many levels.


Spit it OUT, Snapperhead!

0 of you fuckers have been accounted for.


old shit. - newer shit.

2003-10-16 - 9:36 a.m.

From the Mouths of Babes.

I saw revelation and hope in the words of one of my neophyte female artistic subordinates. She called me "snide". I told her she was full of shit and late to boot and to get my fucking coffee before I throw a hula girl at her.

Coffee in hand, I said to her of one of my more recent relevations, "I'm cynical. Not snide. There's a difference."

"You begin with one and end with the other." she said with a wry grin and left my office with me standing and applauding her temerity.

I love it when people blind-side me like that. It's like an unexpected letter from someone you haven't heard from in a long time.

Bravo Djinn. Bravo.


Spit it OUT, Snapperhead!

0 of you fuckers have been accounted for.


old shit. - newer shit.

2003-10-15 - 11:00 p.m.

4 Tips on Being Me.

Tips On Being Me or A Lesser Shadow Thereby.

1. Why walk, eyes at the ground, when you can FUCKING STRUT YOUR FUNK ASS SHIT? Pull yer fucking shoulders back and look at passers-by in the fucking lookers. Smile you fucking xenophobic, ninny-eyed, slack-jawed mouth-breathers AND SMILE! Listen to �Officer Chamberlain� by Goo (on the album Blunted�good shit) for an afternoon and if after 30-40 times your shit is still tight in the ass�then stop reading. Your kung fu is too lame. A shit-assed walk and a pussy-fart handshake is an express route to being a gen-U-ine square.

2. Read. Read lots. And leave more by the shitter sos you can pass the time. Read about the things that singes your pubes. For me that�s watching some Entertainment Tonight or any of it�s mutant hellspawn or reading who the sexiest man in the world is. Sometimes I even watch an awards show. Whatever it is, read it all.

�I say: Know your enemy and know yourself; in a hundred battles, you will never be defeated.� A very insightful Chinese wrote those words. They speak for themselves.

3. Try not to be totally unarmed. If you�re the violent or panicky type that may mean carrying some bear spray. If you�re better, a roll of quarters or a collapsible car antenna will do nicely. Reason being, if you wanna be like me you gotta be confron-fucking-tational. You have to get in the faces of others just to shake them out of their modern fucking Narnias. Do it long enough (or short, as it may be) and you�ll piss off some meat-head with a big liquid �S� on his chest and a case of it BIGs will get pissed off and try to hurt you. And it could be by saying something as simple as,

�Yes, I�m a chocolate dipper.�

�Oh really?�

�Indeed. My last movie Pow-Rear �Ranglers was a festival of stretch.�

A misunderstanding for sure, but now Bubba is taking his shirt off and bumping you with his chest. This is where being able to back yer shit up comes into play. If you can�t back your shit up stop right here. Your kung fu is pussy. Go play with your Barbies.

And having BALLS doesn�t mean you gotta head-butt the fucker. If you�re a chick, this is where ya spray him, or if your shit is tight, knee him in the balls, elbow him straight up into the gob, rake outstretched fingers across his eyes, grab a handful of cheek and tear. THIS is Kung Fu. And Kung Fu is about using your head. So if you�re a buck ten five nothing and fighting ain�t your style? Learn to charm and make em laugh or something. I an�t talking bout this shit because it�s not me.

If you�re me you take the adrenaline hit everytime.

4. Don�t argue about something you don�t know about. Don�t be afraid to say you don�t know something. It�s the only way you�re gonna learn new shit and new views. So if you can�t back your shit up with facts � stop. And when you do argue, do it with some fucking chutzpah � make it CLEVER you illiterate poets.

5. Five is this bores me. You�ll never be me. I'm Morris Day AND The Time, you're, at your prime, Hall and Oates. Best you can hope for is for your kung fu to be strong � in whatever you do. Kung Fu - �Time and effort�. Work on something. Do it with pride, you ravenous poxy horde of bedwetters.


Spit it OUT, Snapperhead!

0 of you fuckers have been accounted for.


old shit. - newer shit.


Y'can't Keep a Fringe Man Down. - 2005-08-03
So Long, Fucko's. - 2004-02-02
Feedback. - 2004-01-31
Chapter 1 - Clang-Bang - 2004-01-30
The Tattooed Infant - 2004-01-29

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