2003-10-30 - 3:54 p.m.

The World's Best?

World�s Best. Ya hear people say that shit alla time. �World�s Fucking Best�� People don�t know what they�re talkin� bout for the most part. The World is a big fucking place nearing six billion humans so, yeah, there�s an oh, say, 1 in 5,999,999,999 chance that it may be �World�s Best.�

Let�s, for the sake of argument, whittle this �World� down to Your World. Your sphere of experience - as narrow as that may be. Arlette made mention that His Holiness, Dan was The World�s Best Smoker. We went back and forth for a couple of notes and not to bore you with the particulars, she makes a convincing point � and she is believes Dan is just that.

But I�ve never met Dan, so the title The World�s Best Smoker is still held by the Tom Waits of the late 70�s and early 80�s.

�The World�s Best� is a powerful fucking compliment that�s been watered down over time. To say that is to say you�ve never, in all your years, encountered someone with the kung fu that this person you�re laying said compliment upon.

THAT is some big fucking mojo. But when ya think of it�there�s a good chance we all know someone who�s a �The World�s Best� something � whether it be Asshole or Zoophiliac, we�re bound to know a few.

But it�s still not a compliment to arbitrarily hand out like greeting cards.

Me? Well now, since you were wondering, yes: I happen to be a The World�s Best. After our notey melee yesterday, I started to think�what was I The World�s Best of? Insults? Fuck no � watch BBC�s �Chef� and listen to Gareth Blackstock for REAL insults. Licking pussy. Naw. I�m REAL good at that � but I know for certain chicks can do that better�n me. Strutting? George Jefferson.

I still don�t know for sure. I don�t think it�s a title you should prescribe to yourself. If I were to pick, then maybe I�d say I�ve the World�s Best Crazy Eyes. I don�t see �em often anymore and when I did last, Kurt Cobain was still around. One of those overly drunk and melodrama-wrought moments, gripping the dresser edges with hard, white knuckles before you actually PUNCH the mirror like a right twat.

My right eyelid is so stitched up it�s heavier than the other, and they�re both double lidded so it�s difficult to see them at the best of times. But when I get the Rage, I get this clenched teeth, Joker smile � ear to fucking ear � my left eyebrow raises as the right drops and consequently the green and whites of my left eyeball is perfectly visible while the right scowls.

I can scare people with a sane version of it. It�s too late when you see the real McCoy. That�s the one thing my friends always make mention of after an altercation, however, the �Crazy Eyes.�

Not much to be proud of, but like I said�I don�t throw that compliment around freely.

Survey time: Are you or someone you know � The World�s Best?

0 of you fuckers have been accounted for.

old shit. - newer shit.