2003-11-02 - 2:40 a.m.

The Hickup Principle.

Oh you wacky Bloggers. You provide me a perpetual spring of amusement and erotic enjoyment and more often than I�d like, you inspire me. This entry isn�t so much an inspiration, as it is an explanation of an event experienced by alacritously tawdry Arlette with the Pimp-assed Hat not 2 hours after happening to me.

�It is a paradoxical hat. It is so fantastically cool that it cannot be of this earth, but somehow in spite of this coolness it keeps my head warm when I brave the freezing cold to smoke a cigarette.�

The night before, to complete my Freudian Slip costume, I found within the bottomless depths of my Keeper�s Endless Wicker Basket of Headware a similarly cool, tan-plaid coachman�s hat that made my get-up so much fucking cooler.

Strange? Not when the �why�s� were explained to me by a friendly sow�ester (a yellow sailor�s rain hat). Talking to hats, you ask? Yeah. See, this particular model of hat that both Arlette and I own are what are called in other times, Hats (Helmets, Crowns, Tiaras, etc.) of Divisible Infinity, wherein when worn allows both the �Non Hat You� to exist at the same time and place in this reality as the �Hat You�.

This paradox, known as the Hatly Quantum Probability Paradox (HQPP - commonly pronounced "hiccup"), is such that when the Hat wearer is in this paradoxical state, any infinite number of things can happen (as per the Law of Quantum Mechanics) to them.

Thing is, there�s a safeguard installed by the designers, that forces 99.9999998% of the Divided Infinity (caused by the Hat) towards the �Non Hat You� and therefore �Hat You� experiences very little of the fucked up shit that �Non Hat You� is going through. (Sidebar: It was explained to me later that the paradoxical �Non Hat You� exists in a Well Being torrent, and that�s why the Hat makes you feel so fucking great when yer wearing it)

Arlette and I wearing the versions of the same hat coincidentally? Naw. It was a skewed Law of Averages.

But the strangest thing happened (ok�stranger) earlier this evening. I was trying on belts when I came across this old chainy-studded leather Motley Crue lookin� kinda belt. I tried it on for a lark. All of a sudden I wasn�t in the closet�

�I was in mid conversation with a gorgeous bald woman with skin the colour of a robin�s egg. I thought for a second and looked down. She had no legs. Well, instead of legs she had a very nicely manicured hand.

It was STRANGE for sure, but not weird. She was the Hand of Order and we were in the Grey � the borderlands of Chaos and Order. She explained the principle to me further (I�ll not bore you with the particulars) and told me that the belt I was wearing was a Mandelbrot Belt of Exponentials and that greatly increased my 0.0000002% chance of a Quantum Paradoxical Occurrence to a whopping 0.012%. That�s why I was there.

No, it doesn�t make sense. That�s the thing about Quantum physics, it�s impossible to understand. Not even Quantum Physicists, the real magicians of today, know what it is for sure.

I think I�ll keep wearing the Hat, but not with the Belt. A 0.012% chance is too much when you consider an infinity of possibilities.

Oh, and if �Non Hat Son Shade� is reading this, sorry about the shit I�m putting you through, but y�know the relationship we have with our bodies is tenuous at best. And as long as I�m doing OK, so are you, really. So chin up! I�ll be needing you to go to bed soon.

0 of you fuckers have been accounted for.

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