2003-11-16 - 2:42 p.m.

My Luxurious, Lump-Assed Couch.

When we moved to Vancouver, we were without a lot of obligatory household items. Shit we sold in a two day, $2,500 yard sale. Shit like: a bed, sofa, chairs, tables, furniture in general.

So we had to buy new stuff.

I like buying shit. Whether it�s $3.00 on some �penny� candy (is it even called that anymore?) or $3,000 on a couch, it don� make a diff. I get the same charge from it. That�s why I�ve willingly relinquished control of the majority of the money.

I�m a Shit Whore.

So we get this couch. A real nice couch, and yeah, it was ON SALE at $3,000. But when it comes to the buying shit I have one rule: Buy quality and buy it once. Why spend a thousand less on something that�s gonna need replacing in 5 years? This motherfucker�s got a 10 year warranty!

But I digress.

So we bought this expensive, sand coloured couch about 10 months ago, and I notice that it�s no longer monochromatically sandy. In fact it looks down right soilly in places. The cushions, yeah, they are definitely duotoned!

And LUMPY lookin�! I�m high, of course, and down on my knees inspecting the cushions and running my hand over it�s lumpiness, pulling stray goose feather stuffing from the fabric and thinking, �I bought a $3,000 two-toned, lumpy, dirty goose feather puking SOFA! THIS THING IS FUCKING SHIT! I�VE BEEN FUCKING DUPED!�

So I�m fuming and stomping my shit around the loft, furiously smoking and muttering curses to myself, when the Lovely Keeper enters stage left, �What the fuck�s wrong with you? You look like someone shit in your boot.�

�I�LL TELL YOU WHAT�S FUCKING WRONG WITH ME!��stomp stomp stomp� �THIS! THIS IS FUCKING WHAT�S FUCKING WRONG WITH FUCKING ME!� !��stomp stomp stomp.

�What?�

My body convulses into spasms � fists clench and unclench as my eyes roll back into my head and my back arches like I was shot with strychnine, �nnnngggUUUUR-rrrrruuughhh-AAAHHHH! THE SOFAFUCK!�

�What about it?�

�IT�S A FUCKING CHESSBOARD! IT�S BLACK AND FUCKING TAN! AND LOOK�..LUMPY! THE SHIT IS LUMPY!�

�It�s supposed to be.�

�WHAT!? WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS...�SUPPOSED TO BE�!? WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN, �SUPPOSED TO BE�? I DID NOT PAY THREE FUCKING LARGE FOR A LUMP-ASSED FUCKING COUCH, DID I!?�

�Well, yeah, WE (emphasized to make point) did, actually. That�s what these couches do. They get worn and lumpy and soft.�

Huh. Din�t see that one coming, �Y�mean we spent 3K on a couch that�s supposed to look old quickly.�

�You�re quick.�

�And it�s supposed to get dirty looking?�

�Nothing getting by you, is there?�

�So that means we never have to clean it or get it restuffed.�

�Not in the foreseeable future, no.�

Pauses...

�This is a GREAT FUCKING COUCH!�

Turning and leaving she addresses me with her back, �I know. Don�t doubt me when it comes to this stuff, you�re not the only person who knows their shit.�

Sigh. A friend once said to me, warping a beautiful quote to her own nefarious will, �Just because you�re misunderstood, doesn�t mean you�re a genius.�

I�m not, either. I predictably score 2-5 points shy of it every time I�m tested. Maybe I WOULD actually know everything if I were a genius�

�that would be fucking great. Yeah.

0 of you fuckers have been accounted for.

old shit. - newer shit.