2003-11-16 - 11:50 a.m.

Julia Fucking Child.

Y�know what? There�s a few things you don�t fucking know about me yet.

Like the fact the Son can Set a mean fucking table. Well, not the actual table-setting, but the food part.

OK, Keeper was working the IOC (International Olympic Committee, dough-holes) and she comes home Friday with 3 dozen local oysters (not Malpeque Blues, but the locals are good), 4 giant soft-shell crabs and a 6 pound BC salmon.

You shoulda seen this salmon. Eyes as clear as ice water; looking it over, I could see it was that day fresh. It�d been cleaned and gutted, and I looked inside at the flesh�you should have seen the fat on the fucking belly of it. I felt like sinkin� the Bozak into ol� Coho, but like I�d said, it was gutted. And I mean, come-on, who likes fucking a gutted fish? Was tempting, though, because after molesting the salmon I smelled my hands (something I do after molesting) and there wasn�t a bit of fish-smell on it. THAT, my dimly lit readers, is a fresh fish.

So we invited some people over to eat this shit. Too much fer two.

�So, Mr. Oliver, how�ya gonna attack this one?�

Well, howzabout this fer a menu? OK, we�ll start with Roasted Brown Mushroom Soup with sour cream and crispy leek threads. From there, we�ll get to the big food, a Slashed Crispy Roasted Salmon (head on) stuffed with fresh lemon, dill, parsley, fennel greens and leeks, on a bed of roasted veggies (crispy spiced paprika potatoes, roasted beets, asparagus, leeks and fennel) � roasted ANYTHING is good. Roast some snake cock and dog turd and yer laughin�.

Anyhow, ya shoves that salmon on top of leeks and fennel and slash it like Mack the Butcher-Knife and shove butter up its arse and put something in its mouth to make the silver fucker look funny and cook the bastich for 45 minutes or so. All the juice from the lemons and butter and the fish and veggie liquid, pools in the bottom and makes a sort of �fish gravy� that tastes like buttery, salmon liquor. So half the salmon is crispy and the other half is poached in it�s own liquid.

Serve the shit up buffet style and let the teeming masses gnosh. Have at it you fucking opposable thumbed carrion, leave not but a carcass. Good fucking eats. The salmon was light and just a little rare near the bone, and was all the salmon without the �fish�. My brother was the first to notice how fatty it was, you could actually feel the oils on your tongue (melts at a different temp then the rest, feels different) and they tasted like salmon, but not �fishy�.

Standing ovations, for Me, Becky Home-Eky and we goes to smoke some drugs and drink some of this free wine.

So there ya go. On top of all the other things that I fucking rock nads at, cooking is one of them. Especially fer a group of people. Because of the attention I draws to myself being an unlikely pseudo-chef and a hell of a Henckels wielder. Chicks always coo and stick their fingers in whatever�s on the stove top and "OOO" when I set the steel to "chop". It�s a beautiful thing!

See, I loves cooking 'cause I loves food. LOVES it. I�ll eat fucking anything, just to try it. Eating is a talent of mine. So I cook so we can eat well. Think of it this way, we need 3 specific things to live. Not to get by, LIVE: Air, water and food. There ain�t much enjoyment you gonna be pullin out of the air or water, it�s nice to see and have, but so what, right? FOOD, though�we need it, we have to eat it, so fucking enjoy it! Put the Kraft Dinner down and make some real Mac and Cheese with some real macaroni and some real cheese with some real butter. It�s that fucking easy people!

�I can�t� or, �I don�t cook,� are more fucking excuses people hide behind for eating out of cans, but George Carlan said it to me once in a way that changed me, he said: �Next time you open a can of �prepared food� think of the last time you rode the public bus. Remember the scabby, nasty, greasy load of dock-workers that are stinking that bus up�THEY, Son are preparing your canned food. THEY are why I cook mine fresh whenever possible.� Changed my fucking life he did.

Today, Jalapeno Salmon Cakes. Yeah, there�s still salmon left, and it don� keep like turkey.

0 of you fuckers have been accounted for.

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