2003-11-28 - 9:55 p.m.

I'm the Clever One.

Last Saturday (yeah, I�m writing about LAST Saturday THIS Saturday because there�s FUCK ALL happening tonight but watching Jay and Silent Bob Strikes Back, which you, my abhorrent reader, may bookmark as a segue.

So here I sit here listening to The Dust Brothers nee Chemical Brothers� soundtrack from Fight Club, telling you, the ugly and the ignored, a story from LAST Saturday.

All spawned by my watching JASBSB. So here�s the set up:

So I�m making talk in the buffet room with the most hulking specimin of female I�ve ever encountered. She was about 6�4� and an east 220 pounds of muscle. Foxy too, in that �I�d fuck you in half� kinda way. So I�m talking to her and she splits and I moves to the other room where the Rev is.

I sorta soak in what�s being said, listening to the others to gauge my unwitting audience and they start talking about the iPod.

I say that I think it�s cool that Apple has come out with such a sexy toy and that while it�s totally useless, save for people like me who transport files, I�m gearing up to buy one to replace my current antiquated old 6GB Nomad.

And so on. Civil conversation. At first.

The Rev mutters something like, �Apple�don�t fucking get me started with those assholes. They�re�uhhh��

The cutest and brightest of the lot�s interest is immediately piqued, like a cat on something shiny, �What? What�s wrong with Apple? Are you a PC loser?�

For that moment I loved her in a way only a breeder could love a lesbian.

�NO! PC�S are just as fucking bad as fucking Macintosh�s. It�s all in the source��

Fuck. Don�t ask about the source�don�t ask about the source what ever you do. I make wild circular motions with my eyes (recall that we were very high on mushrooms at the time) in attempts to ward her off the topic but she returned my ocular marshalling with a curious look, asking, �Yeah, Mac�s not open source. So what?�

Fuck. I lean back and laugh as he goes off. �THAT�S JUST FUCKING TYPICAL AND IS EXACTLY WHAT FUCKING APPLE WANTS YOU TO FEEL � �Here! Take this shit and eat it because WE SAY YOU HAVE TO!� etc.

When I see that the irate fucker is about to have a stroke if not scare these lovely ladies away, I try and talk him down, because my lesbian lover was not helping things by poking him with her verbal sticks.

She was spankdilliscious.

So I lay into the Hostage Negotiator role, �But all we were talking about was that it�s good to see a computer company design shit that you can actually use out in the fucking open CAUSE IT LOOKS GOOD! We�re not TALKING ABOUT FUCKING CODE YOU STUPID BASDARD!�

�You people don�t know WHAT the fuck you are talking about, THAT�S the fucking problem, right there.�

I looked up�and everyone was gone. The Rev and I fucking split a side each, laughing. It was like our Boyish Charm was a Repulsive Charm Super Power. It was great.

When we finish laughing, we�re sitting on the couch with our beer and he says, �Wanna head in there with the rest of the people?�

�Nah. I kinda like it here. We�d just scare them off anyhow.�

And laugh for 10 more minutes. When we stop again, my mini-blonde gay Jessica Rabbit is leaning in the doorway, shaking her head with a confused look on her face.

�WE�RE HIGH ON FUCKING MUSHROOMS, OK!� The Rev belts as he leaves to take a piss.

So Shade? The Jay and Silent Bob Strikes Back segue�coming up anytime?

Right here, motherfuckers.

Later on, I�m on the deck smoking some drugs and she comes out with me and I passes her the splif, cause I�m a fucking Gentleman. She does the �girl toke�. Y�know what I�m sayin� potheads? Y�know? The �quick little triple puff� and the �not holding the shit in to get high� action? *poot* poot* poot* sssss � pffffffkuh-kuh-hack-drool-flail-smile.

She hands it back � there�s pink lipstick on the end. Heh. �Who the fuck wears pink lipstick?� I remember thinking to myself, �I�ve never in my lifetime, until this moment, considered �pink� lipstick.�

We were high. You make fucking sense when you�re high on �shrooms.

Enter Segue:

�That�s quite the Jay and Silent Bob act you two got goin� on. Which one are you?�

�The clever, straight one.�

�The clever, straight one. That is clever. I�m the astringent (yeah�she said astringent) lesbian, then.�

And we made talk about Kevin Smith movies and shot the shit for a while.

See, the Rev knew ONE person there. I knew less than that. But ya gotta go and have fun and put yerselves out there or you never have these little run-ins that make you rent every Kevin Smith DVD on the shelves.

Anyhow. Show�s over.

Make yourselves useful and refill some Boston Cr�me�s.

0 of you fuckers have been accounted for.

old shit. - newer shit.