2003-12-02 - 10:33 p.m.

Title Hell.

I've just returned from taking a gander at my list of old entries. Looks like the song list for the longest album ever.

0 of you fuckers have been accounted for.

old shit. - newer shit.

2003-12-02 - 8:53 p.m.

Xmas Sucks. Tom Says So.

�A Charlie Brown Christmas� is droning off to my right. Thankfully that�s the ear with the kung fu damage. It�s more muffled than not.

Wait�Schroeder is playing on stage�this is the only good part�I love Schroeder. Can�t act worth a fuck. Plays a mean 22 bones.

Fuck those dancing Peanut characters are hilarious. DAMN that�s funny. When Kurt Cobain was still howling my Woman and I were listening to this Jazz program on CBC radio. It was winter and my huge �lens to the world� motel window was all frosted over. We were getting drunk with some friends before going to the bar.

Sidebar: Yes, The bar. There was only one fucking drinking establishment in Charlottetown that was not a pub or a caf�. The other one was shut down. And we didn�t have a few drinks, god no. We fucking DRANK. In the Blurry Years we�d polish off a dozen each in 3 or 4 hours then go out and drink till you were angrily slapping ATM receipts at the bartender confused as why he won�t accept this as money � not that this has ever happened to me. And don�t ask my Keeper about St. Patty�s day 1995. CANADIAN beer. 5-8% of liquid golden fun and fury.

The song the little fuckers dance on stage to plays on the radio and this dead hot (and oh so corruptibly na�ve) girl starts bouncing from side to side with a double-hop throwing her long brown �naturally curly hair� side to side with her head. She was doin� one of the Peanuts dances! I couldn�t fucking believe someone else knew them.

So I did the �arms-at-my-side-pidgeon-head-shuffle� like the little black kid. She got it right away.

How fucking Gen Fucking X is that? Our whole fucking tenure together is based upon Merry Fucking Christmas Charlie Brown. THAT�S. JUST. FUCKING. DANDY.

FUCK.

JEEBUS X PROPHET OF WHITEY DOOM these Peanut kids can�t act for�uh�peanuts. Kids reading off the page - POORLY I�ll add � words written by Norman Rockwell with a fucking pipe full of hash.

Fuck me. I�ve digressed so far off my point that I forgot what I was here to write in the first place�I�ll get back to ya inna minute.

Oh yeah. It was about some cheap fun. Scariest way is to email. The cheapest way is to dump the tobacco from a couple smokes, leaving just the shell. Turn the lights out and light the tips, get real close and watch the smoldering band eat it�s way down. I�ve bought a box of prerolled papers just so I can show people.

Came up with the idea camping. Was off in the bushes and I circled around behind the camp. I had a REAL big firecracker and I was dousing the fuse with Zippo fluid. I needed a timer to set the fuse and scare the shit out of every breathing fucking creature for 10 kilometres. But I had nothing but the tin of fluid, my smokes, knife and dad�s old RCAF Zippo.

So I doused the filter with the fluid and did as I have just previously described and *whiff*! It went up like a candle. Worked so well I pissed my pants laughing so fucking hard. One of the Newfies claimed his chest hurt. THAT made it FUNNIER!

Ah, cardiac humour.

Last xmas we had a Charlie Brown tree because the building we were in wouldn�t allow real trees.

So I went out and chopped down a dead one. It looked like a 8� Bonsai with silvery red bark with and Wicked Ol� Witch branches that hung over the coffee table like a mass of evil, skinless marioneteer fingers.

Well, that was my take. Keeper, in her woman way, made it all pretty �n shit with neat little glass ornaments and shit we�ve amassed over the millennia. Was gonna do cranberries and popcorn, but I was drunk on dark rum with eggnog and poured melted butter over the entire corny contents of a large paper bag. My bad, my bad.

Was a real cool tree. More of a Charlie Manson tree than a Charlie Brown, though.

So at the Orifice today we all got a white envelope with $15 and another person�s name. We�re supposed to buy the person something funny, rude, witty, raw, whatever for the xmas party on Friday. Kinda cool, huh?

So, here�s where you come in, my patiently apathetic Dogons. I don�t know this guy. I can joke with him fine, but I require a little background to get with the witty. This guy is newer than me fer fuck�s sake.

My favourite unisex gag gift, Nipple Tassels, was given to a colleague last year, he said today. Fucker. So here�s what I�m thinking: steal the guy�s favourite Mug and replace it with a new mug full of pictures of the places around Vancouver that I took his mug to. The places I spent the $15 dollars on. Any other suggestions or comments on this one would be appreciated before 5 PST tomorrow.

Labia.

0 of you fuckers have been accounted for.

old shit. - newer shit.