2003-10-22 - 9:08 p.m.

Animal Revolution - Chapter II

Everybody of any import knew The Plan wasn�t particularly one of Mother�s best, but the Old Bird had a wry sense of humour. The Plan was chock-fulla irony if nothing else.

It took seven days from Express Posting the rough draft to final edit, for the Big Guy to approve The Plan. And that�s including the bombastic Highest Halls of Hosannic Praise.

The final edit could have been completed more expediently, Mother Nature knew, but God�s favorite language was Obscurity. He�d send messages by way of fire, trees, water, insects, shadows and sometimes it took Mother Nature a while to notice � especially when she�s mislaid her spectacles.

�One of those new facsimile devices would make things oodles more simple,� she once patiently tried to explain, but He�d have nothing with it.

God eventually parlayed His A-OK for her �The Plan� through a potato chip, which, as a product, Mother didn�t have a particular taste for, but, reluctantly, bought when she was at the corner to play the Lotto�s, just because she knew such occasions might arise.

But let�s digress. To fully explain what the Hell this is all about, I, Gentle Reader, must dispel some of your popular (if not fictitious) beliefs.

Myth One: �If I pray enough, God will like me more because he has time to listen to every living being in all Seven Universes.�

Truth One: Just by reading the preceding load of pterodactyl pucky, even the most dim witted oaf can see how utterly ridiculous the aforesaid precept sounds. OK, God created Everything, that�s for certain. No question. He popped The Bubble and let It all fly. After a while Things began to Glom. And then God picked out the Good Gloms and gave them some Almighty attention. At least seven days worth. Usually more.

You have five billion people on Earth. Now, take Earth and multiply that by infinity, and multiply that by seven and multiply that again by infinity and you begin to see how busy God is. And because He is so Infinitely busy, He made �Agents�.

�One Agent per planet,� was the original precept, but it inevitably grew as time passed. Agents were relocated and reassigned as planets changed, but Mother Nature and Her Earth was a favorite of The Big Guy�s. She always brought delicious little shortbreads when she visited, and He�s always watched Earth, but more as an Epic soap opera than that of Benevolent and Omnipotent Regent of Skies and Waters and All Things Worldly.

And like any good/overly-possessive manager, He likes to have a say in what goes on; but He�s a busy Guy, so Mother Nature tends to bother him only with the Big Stuff.

Like The Plan.

Myth Two: �Mother Nature is like Santa Claus. A figure of speech.�

Truth Two: True. They are both figures of speech in the fact that they are figures you speak about. One lives in Greenland, the other, Luton.

Santa lives in a split-level, Swedish-styled ice chalet. Mother Nature lives in a small cottage in a long row of small cottages on Downey Street. Her Japanese Water Garden is the envy of all her neighbours, but they all love her, nonetheless. Every July she throws a much anticipated Rose Garden Soiree � everyone shows up. Everybody has a good time. Every time. Every year.

Myth Three: �Before our Cro-Mag brothers and sisters there was no life but for dinosaurs and bacteria."

Truth Three: Bah. Think about it. The Earth is close to seven billion years old. Humans have been around for 15,000 years, what, .0000002% of that time? Not even a mere sneeze. But believe what you want. Yeah, of COURSE humans were the first and only. Of course.

And therein lies the crux of the matter. It�s obvious, even to Mother Nature that she gets bored easily. Not �human easily�, but �big picture� easily. It�s one of her self indulgent flaws. Which takes us back to the beginning - full circle.

�It,� of course, was bound to happen.

0 of you fuckers have been accounted for.

old shit. - newer shit.