2003-12-22 - 10:15 a.m.

Fuck Xmas.

I�ve never been a big fan of Xmas. Surprise, fucking surprise right? I stand with all the other Xmas Jammers � all pissed and disillusioned about the heartless, vapid giftiness of the fucking season.

Case in Point: At the liquor store, woman laying on horn for 57 seconds while man in front of her in truck waits for third man to back up out of the one way alley. Man gets out of truck and exclaims Holiday Cheer, �YOU STICK THAT FUCKING HORN UP YOUR FUCKING ASS, CUNT!�

Not that she didn�t deserve it. In fact she kept on the horn until the angry man kicked her car.

Ho-ho-fucking-ho.

But I think the real fucking reason Christmas Sucks (a great song by Tom Waits and Peter Murphy of the Bauhaus) is that the season is the Great Amplifier. Just as Valentines Day is depressing for many single people, just like Halloween is a big banner for not eating good old fashioned apples for fear of razorblades and strychnine (there�s been one case of �apple poisoning� in recorded Halloween history and it was father to son), Xmas is a big fucking set up for a shitty time.

�That�s a fucking defeatist attitude, Son? What�s got you so itchy about a concept? November doesn�t get you riled.�

True. But there are no expec-fucking-tations with say, Remembrance Day. Just by saying the word �Xmas,� you are presupposing several base forms like: Family, Giving, Getting, Turkey, Shopping, etceteras.

Take or fuck around with any of the aforementioned and your expectations are fucked. And to compound it all, you LOOK for shit. For me, I wait for shit to go wrong. Why? Because shit always gets fucked up at Xmas, THAT is empirical when I look at the last 32 Xmases.

�But December, November, July, shit ALWAYS goes wrong � you can�t WAIT for shit to go wrong.�

Eleven months of the year I don�t. But people never disappoint me when it comes to December. You can rest assured you�ll see some violence this Xmas. You can go to bed all warm knowing that someone you care about will forget something and you�ll feel like ripping their throats out. Or crying. Or just fucking shooting yerself in the soft palate because your expectations of nothing actually happened. Nothing, that is.

Yeah, it usually ends up I have an OK Xmas. My woman makes sure of that. Last night was the Tree. A 9� Douglas Fir. Looks nice. It�s the one Icon of Xmas that I look forward to, and never get disappointed by. Until it falls. But then, that�s my fault and I don�t get pissy at myself, often.

Many people have just fucking lovely Xmases � but I think you�re a rare breed. Families can be like a mouthful of sore teeth at Xmas. While visiting, you�re stuck with them until you leave for home. You know as well as I do, that families suck when it comes to Xmas. There�s always fucking drama. Who cooks the turkey? Who forgot the fucking card to whom? Who didn�t get invited where? Who got a punch in the mouth by Drunk �ol Uncle Harry this year?

Every last one of you know what I�m talking about.

But it�s fucking Grinchy to say it. It�s crass and callus and defeatist.

Fuck that. No, FUCK XMAS.

Ho-ho-fucking-ho.

P.S. As a humourous sidebar: Cat Masturbates.

6 of you fuckers have been accounted for.

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